Semblance

I seem to be drifting more or less through life (I think). Absolutely unsure of where life is taking me and what I'm doing with my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even living my own life. Maybe all married women who live to please all the people in their current life go through it. Sometimes it is a mess, sometimes it does not seem so bad.. and the the rest of the time am just confussed. Maybe I need a break. But one can't run away from life or can i?

Anyways...i have thought of a few things to do so that i regain some minimal amount of control and to bring a little bit of semblance to my life. Atleast I can't blame myself for not trying. I have been telling myself it is lack of any activity and this feeling of being unproductive that is make me feel this way. That looks like a reason on the face of it... And i hope that it is. And all i need to do is find a solution to rectify the situation.

Every time i have wanted to stay on and work or feel settled, we have moved. And i hate it, hate that my life has no stability, and hate that we seemed to be pushed into doing things for others ( and I just follow mutely).

I have had the good sense to put my foot down and say that I'm not doing it anymore... I think he understands my plight but is so caught up in taking the burden of the rest of the world on himself, it makes me wonder if he ever takes me seriously. Or does he think i'm somebody who will come around, like i have always. I was always taught to behave... not that I believed in it, but i did get into that role for the so called belief in aboslute and pure romanticism. Did it not help for one to give in and be docile, while the other 'took care of things'? But now I wonder if the concept truly exist? Or is it just some place we want to be and so we invented it for ourselves? Dreams and romanticism... are they together? Where are we heading? Why don't we have the surity that we had as children. There was always hope... there was always something to look forward too...The world looked so big and so full of possibilities. But not anymore.

Why do we loose it or how did I loose it? I don't even know if i want anything more from life or am i going to tell myself (as always) this too shall pass. Keep repeating that 'it's only a phase and i will get over it'. Or will i get over it for some time and then will it come back? Or was my past life, my childhood only an illusion?

B

Why

The first time i started blogging, i said it's for the stories in my head... of the people I met and will meet. And I needed to tell their stories.

Today, back again in a foreign land... trying desperately to try and connect with somebody like i did as a child. I find it difficult. Patience is wearing thin trying to bear each new person's idiosyncratic behaviour. Not that mine are any less tolerable.It's just that I have lot the will to even make the effort. Mostly because life is not going my way (like a young child you might say). For that is the way life is .. (you might say). So sometimes when my thoughts are messed up and I don't seem to be able to make any sense of it, and my soul mates seems too far away, maybe ... just maybe, writing a journal helps.

Not for a guidance but for just talking out aloud to make some sense of my random thoughts.

B